Who You Callin' Trigger Happy?
by Kitsune Freak
Summary: Needless to say, Xanxus was not pleased with this new development at all.


KitsuneFreak: Another one of these 3rd person omniscient stories. This was done in response to a general request to write into humor, the more … shall we say… volatile members of the KHR crew. Especially those with an understandably dark past.

Can you believe how many times I re-watched episode 64 to get this down? If you watch _anything_ that many times, even the most tragic parts will get downright hilarious. XD

Having never written Xanxus before, he may be OOC. I do hope I captured his…erm… personality right, to some extent, while making this humorous.

Disclaimer: …. Wasn't me…

{Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Mushroom, Mushroom…}

It had been only a sliver of a thought. At most, it was silent whisper in the wind behind every terrified glance. Xanxus, however, had no problem with it so long as it never presented itself before him like the trash it was. And yet, ever since Sawada Tsunayoshi was initiated into the Vongola mafia society as the Tenth boss, this… this _insolence_ was on the rise. After all, people tended to follow the actions of their boss. If the boss was insolent, then the subordinates usually followed in suit.

And Xanxus never tolerated insolence. Especially from a so-called mafioso (trash) who was hardly half his height.

'_Okay, so that might have been a tiny lie_', Xanxus mused momentarily. The kid-trash did have a growth spurt over the years and now reached his shoulder… barely. _However_, anyone who did not reach or tower over 188 centimeters was trash by default.

"WHAT was that, trash?"

A hapless mafioso that happened to be overheard cowered back in terror, trying to shield himself – rather uselessly, of course, when it came to a man of Xanxus' stature.

"I s—said n—nothing!" the man stuttered in a voice that was several octaves higher than it naturally should have been.

"VOI! Speak up!"

"I could have _sworn_, that I heard something that sounded like 'trigger', 'happy' and 'freak'. Ushishishi," Bel giggled maniacally as he looked around his boss to see what the hold-up was.

"How _dare_ you mock our venerated boss!" Levi growled. His expression switched almost immediately as he turned to his boss. "Allow me to dispose of him."

Sadly, for all the Varia Lightning Guardian's efforts, he was largely ignored.

Xanxus' voice lowered dangerously as he lifted the smaller man by the collar to bring him to his face. "Want to run that by me _again_?"

Oh, Xanxus was not a happy boy.

Actually, he was rarely a happy boy. His happiest moment was probably when he first met his so called 'father'. No, that wasn't happiness. It was most definitely the feeling of awe and empowerment at being the sole heir of the infamous Vongola family. Power. Excessive spending. Big guns. A ferret. Imagine the possibilities.

Distracted momentarily from trash-tossing, Xanxus furrowed his brows as he looked upwards slightly as some other memories were brought into the forefront of his mind.

"_Well_," Xanxus thought, "_there was that other time when the old man hosted that summer meeting._"

_That_ summer meeting was an interesting one indeed. It was one where most, if not all, the boss candidates from all the other allied families decided to come over to the Vongola mansion and discuss plans of succession in the future. For some reason, the Varia leader distinctly remembered beating men up for he promised not kill the candidates (key word being: candidates) right after dinner. Xanxus' grip on the collar of the man's shirt suddenly tightened at the memory. Never mind. It wasn't happy after all. It was insulting.

"How could they have expected me to sit and dine with useless trash candidates like that?" Xanxus yelled, flinging the mafioso halfway across the hall and into a wall. The Varia leader stormed away angrily having completely lost interest in pummeling people to a pulp.

On the other hand, the poor mafioso seemed to have given up on living and had been silently listing all the things that he should have done prior to death. He couldn't believe his good luck! He was to survive Xanxus' wrath, live to tell the tale, and suffered only 13 bone fractures along with a mild concussion.

"Ooh~ Can I keep him?" Lussuria cooed, eyeing the man's relatively limp form.

The rest of Xanxus' Varia posse cringed slightly at the thought and chose to quickly follow their boss, leaving Lussuria to pester an already traumatized victim.

"Ushishishi, he was just like a rag doll. The prince wants one too… Except to cut."

"Interim prince, I don't think you can buy those kinds of things here. It's probably illegal," Fran offered blankly.

"The prince can do whatever he wants. Besides, what do you know about what's illegal?"

"I don't know. I'll tell you when I get there."

"VOI! Shut up you brats!"

"The prince is not a brat."

"Princes are stereotypically brats in children's novels and fairytales, you know Bel-senpai. Often times they undergo a transformation where they learn to be a better person. I think you're still underdeveloped," Fran objected while pointing at the knife expert.

"The prince'll show _you_ freaking under—"

"SHUT UP."

The group immediately silenced and turned to look at their now fuming boss. He did not appear pleased at all. More so than usual, that is, because he was normally a man who was hard to please anyway.

"Trash, get out of my sight. I can't even hear myself think!"

Obligingly, his subordinates swiftly made for the hills. Rarely did their boss admit to thinking. He usually acted on gut feeling and anger. Needless to say, they knew the signs that indicated when their boss was in one of his moodier tempers – one of them being thinking – and he was not a man to be crossed with. It was best to stay farther away – preferably out of range as well, since Xanxus had very good aim.

Once alone, Xanxus let out an inaudible sigh and let his feet lead him to a new destination. He had some issues to settle with a certain Vongola boss.

It was not on accident or a completely random notion that branded him with this new label of being 'trigger happy'. On the contrary, Xanxus could probably pinpoint the exact date and situation of this label's birth into the mafia world. It was two months ago, when the bimonthly reports were due. A meeting had been called by the kid-trash. The meeting was boring by Xanxus' standards.

There was no killing involved. No fights. No wine (they just had water bottles). It was saccharinely civil.

All in all, the 9th's adopted son honestly believed that he livened up the meeting. Sure, it may have resulted in about fifteen bodies being sent to the hospital along with bills for remodeling but that was what the Vongola's budget was for – remodeling and good wine. The people? It was merely a flesh wound, they'll live.

Anyway, that was when it happened.

….

"_Freaking trash," Xanxus let out a derisive laugh as he shot a man in the shoulder._

_The Sun and Rain Guardians were hurriedly trying to gather up the injured and move them out of harms way. The Lightning Guardian saw it necessary that he run out of the room crying. Both the Mist Guardians and Cloud Guardian hadn't bothered to show up for the meeting so they couldn't be of much use. The Storm Guardian was busily trying to multitask between defending the unlucky with his System CAI, shooting at the Varia with his arm-turned-machine-gun, and cussing out the Varia boss for his violent tendencies._

_Tsuna, on the other hand, rolled his golden-orange eyes and sighed exasperatedly. In the first couple of meetings, he had indeed been terrified at the Varia boss' habits and helpful acts to 'spruce things up'. The injuries from the Ring Battle alone had taught him to be wary of this man. However, given that there had already been several meetings with said Varia boss over the last few months, Tsuna realized that this was almost a habitual occurrence for the man. As a result, the young Vongola made sure to bring extra dying will pills to meetings where Xanxus was involved._

"_Xanxus, will you stop being so… oh what's the word? Trigger happy all the time?"_

"_What was that, trash?" Xanxus shot his flame-imbued bullet at the Japanese man. Tsuna easily absorbed it with his Zero Point Breakthrough: Custom._

'_**Dang. The kid's getting good at that,' **__Xanxus commented to himself, mentally noting that it might be a better idea to actually use bullets instead of flames. _

"_I think you need to spend family bonding time with your father."_

"_WHAT?" This phrase alone was enough to stop Xanxus cold in his tracks and his eyes widened in disgust, anger, and traces of horror._

"_I mean," at this point, the flame above Tsuna's head fizzled out, "I know that you have had some, let's say, paternal issues to work out. I really don't think bottling it up on the inside is good for you. Plus, I can't host meetings in a new room every time. Pretty soon, I'm going to run out of rooms."_

…

That incident gave him a plane ticket straight for some 'uncharted' island dock that the old man happened to be living on for vacation that month.

"Oh, we had lovely discussions all right," Xanxus growled. "Freaking old man couldn't stop nagging about how I should settle down and fish in the 'open sea' with him. As if! He's not even my real father."

What right did the 9th have to keep this vital information from him? Maybe he wasn't _exactly_ supposed to go into the old man's private book room – but it was his fault in the first place for keeping such a huge padlock on it. It was like hanging a sign that said "Look here! I'm hiding something."

Plus, whenever Xanxus asked the old man about it he always responded with a mysterious smile, rested a hand on his shoulder, and said, "One day, my boy, you will understand."

Well, Xanxus decides when that day will come. No. It was never 'one day'. It was Xanxus' day.

Having burned through the padlock, Xanxus had scanned the bookcases for anything out of the ordinary. In all honesty, it was just a collection of really old texts that dealt with mafia alliances. There was nothing special at all – that is, until Xanxus' eyes rested on a book that was left at the writing desk.

Believing it to be something insanely useful in obtaining the throne of the Vongola or just an interesting dialectical on the nature of ferrets, Xanxus read it. Inside contained the 9th's innermost thoughts and narratives of his life – it was his diary. It was there that Xanxus read about his mother. How the 9th met the impoverished woman who brought before him her son, claiming that it was their son. The old man had felt pity for the pair and decided to take him in and adopt the boy.

"I do _not_ need pity!" Xanxus snarled as he punched the wall to his right, leaving a gaping hole. He could care less. After all, that would be tabbed on the Vongola's remodeling budget.

Not long after the marring of the wall, Xanxus found himself before the office of the young Vongola boss. Pulling out his X-guns, he pushed open the doors, strolled straight up to the desk and aimed the barrel of the gun right at the boss' forehead, startling Tsuna right from his paperwork.

"Xanxus!"

"Who you callin' trigger happy?"

{Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Mushroom, Mushroom…}

KitsuneFreak: Did anyone else catch my ferret joke? I mean, he has this tail that just hangs around his neck. It has more of a raccoon design but ferret was the first thing I thought of when I was writing. Yes, Xanxus is indeed 188cm (6'2") and … what's with the padlocked library?

I'm not sure if this is as funny as I hoped it would be. The problem that I have with writing these humorous stories is that I can't read it and find it funny. I can read it all with a straight face and I don't really know if this is a good or bad thing. Which is pretty darn annoying and I have to gauge it based on other's reactions. I mean I read funny stories and I laugh… just not at my stories.

I'm still working on other similar oneshots. A Hibari one is in the cognitive making for those who are curious. You can request a character for me to write about (given that inspiration comes) because I will definitely try to make it something you've never thought about before. Or if you have, then I'll try to make it as funny as I can.

Hope you enjoyed my ficlet!

R&R

~Toodles!


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